Am I also welcome where I am not needed?
All of us have areas in life where we are supremely confident in ourselves, the things we do, how we do it, what we know & our competence for the job at hand. These are typically areas where we don’t need any one to either stand next to us or help us in any way with anything.
This is normal by all accounts. What is also normal is that we are able to define, to those people closest to us, what we need from them & what we want from them.
- What do you need from me?
- What do you want from me?
3. What are the areas where you will not need me….?
You have to define these parameters to those in your inner circle, however big or small your circle might be. Why? Let me explain. There is an experience that you create of yourself in all the areas where you need me in one way or another. There is a dependence that I experience when you need me in so many ways, for so many reasons. I get used to being around you in a supportive way and being available to you for all those areas where you display a need for my presence.
The moment you enter a space where your supreme confidence & competence take over and you don’t need me for that space of time…I am not sure what is expected of me there. An analogy to ground this experience is to imagine that a 4 year old is walking around with a doll in her arms…This doll is a tremendous source of comfort and there is a strong emotional attachment to this doll. The doll has become a companion for many things or many complicated reasons. The moment the toddler finds herself distracted by something new or otherwise familiar, they drop the doll in the sand & continue the activity without the need of the presence of the doll. They don’t even realise that they dropped their “friend” in the sand. After the activity is over they soon realise that the doll is gone…they start looking where they might have left it…because the need for connection & closeness for me (the doll) is back. The doll is recovered somewhere & the toddler moves on toward something else, unaware of the opposite experience they just created by leaving their friend behind (when they were not “needed”…
They did not think to INCLUDE THEIR FRIEND by invitation to join them in those areas where their presence isn't required.
Imagine you are the doll. The person closest to you dropped you in the sand the moment they didn’t need you like they normally do elsewhere….Normal right….? We don’t need people all the time. What you might not realise is that even though there is no “need” for the doll all the time…they can still be “invited” and still be “included”.
If I display a constant in my desire for your presence, and a constant in my dependence on your friendship, closeness & support, and then drop you like a doll in an instant…it is not only a very confusing and unexpected experience, but one of rejection & uncertainty. It is easy to see how someone in your life that might represent the “doll” can feel used & disappointed that they are only good enough when you need them….but not important enough to be invited or included in ares where you don’t need them.
This is a very innocent misunderstanding…but a very costly one if it is repeated over time and remain undefined.
We all have good intentions in our connections with people…but it is the way we treat them that carry the loudest message.
For many years I was unable to point out a bad experience between me and my wife every time this sort of thing would happen in a public space of somewhere. But it only really dawned on me when I started to see a pattern in WHERE & WHEN these things would happen.
It took such a long time, because we spend 98% of our time together as we also share the same occupation. It was the coldness that got me most. Her behaviour would change in an instant from warn and fuzzy and inclusive of my presence to completely unaware that Im there with zero interaction with me. There it was…The moment where she doesn’t need me….but I was also not invited or included in that space where I could spectate what she looks like inside supreme confidence. I was left outside, or not invited at all.
Only calling on people when we want something does have a way of sending the wrong message of value and meaning that you have in that person.
Thanx for Listening