Even though I'm in a relationship...I'm still a student of relationships.
People don't feel responsible for things they don't know & don't understand. How do you take responsibility for yourself if you don't understand your own behavior? I need to be responsible for my own behavior. That means I need an-ability-to-respond. I acquire an-ability-to-respond (responsibility) when I understand my own way of thinking, my own internal process, my own needs, my own desires & things that has meaning to me. Being self aware & understanding my conduct is where my ability-to-respond resides.
Most things you could possibly want involve people in some way. It is rare that we acquire or accomplish anything that holds meaning outside the context of people. Whether its sharing an experience or making a new memory or achieving something great, all revolve mostly around interactions with people. People can turn on us and hurt us, love us and leave us. These are the things that influence our clarity of what we want. They distract us from what we want. They side track & interrupt our lives.
You need to keep the Clarity of 'what you want' very stable through healthy habits & just organizing your life a bit better. You can never get back any interrupted time. What you miss is forever gone. Regardless of what religious code you follow & what you may believe will happen to us when we die. I am quite sure this is not a "dress-rehearsal" to an actual life that is about to start when you kick the bucket.
If you want to f&@$# this up, now is a GOOD time.
If you want to be make a success of this, now is a GOOD time.
Look at where your time & money flow toward. Weigh that up against your answers of what you really want. Maybe your time and money is flowing in the wrong direction. It might flow to places that has no real meaning to you.
The first responsibility we all learn is to take care of our self. To understand myself. To know how to align my conduct with my dreams & desires. Taking care of myself is much bigger than the obvious hygienic level. The first relationship is with yourself. That never stops growing, developing & changing.
Taking Care of me - What are you busy developing?
Understanding the sum of your parts & activating your virtues.
No one in this world could possibly be as invested in my search for meaning and as I am. I cant even wait for some one to make me a cup of coffee... I want everything done in such a specific way, it makes it very hard to receive anything from people most of the time, because very few people can reach my standard of quality that I expect & create for myself. I am only satisfied with my own effort & quality of investment in myself & my needs.
Think of Self love & self respect as a clothing pole in a room. In order for some one to give you clothes, there has to be a place where you put it. The respect people show toward me has a place. I can receive it. I know where to put it. It follows in the steps of respect I have for myself first. It will never be more than my own self-respect, no one will be that interested any way.
People that rise & fall by the word of another has allot of empty & undefined rooms inside them. They had nothing or very little in those rooms of their own creation for themselves to start with. So whatever other people put in or destroy is what they live by & respond to. I see so many lives that are distracted & disrupted because of this. I made a firm decision that, in order to receive respect, I have to give the world some thing that is worthy of respect first. In order for me to receive some one else's love, I want to give them some thing that is worthy of such love first.
This is by no means an attempt to feel that I have to work for some ones love or respect as if I have to work to deserve it. This comes from a place inside me that I created first for my own well being & that has already been defined by me first. So when the love & respect that I hand out comes back to me...I know what to do with it. I know where it should go. I am not needy nor dependent on the love & respect of others. If there is ever an attempt of some one to take away or destroy, they only get whatever I allow if I ever do. No one can take away from me, something which I have defined for myself. They were not the creators of it. They were not the architects of it. I am. It speaks of an effort that starts with me...toward me first. That is stable. That is reliable. That is me, taking care of me...first.
If you don't take care of you...people around you are on the receiving end of something broken, neglected, needy & frustrated. No one wants to dine in a fallen house with empty rooms that echo the opinions of others. So lets give them something that is not only attractive, but has charisma, chemistry, spontaneity, self confidence, has authentic ideas & character filled with self belief.
Give yourself some clarity on the following questions:
What am I interested in? What do I like? How do I know what I'm good at?
What are my natural abilities? What excites me to the point of tears?
What is my sphere of competence? What do I want to be busy with?
Where does my time go? Where does my money go?
Where does my attention go? What do I find myself reading?
What field of study do I investigate? What are my conversations about?
What type of people am I drawn to? What type of people do I avoid?
What is my single worst quality? What is my biggest obsession?
How does my needs, ideas & convictions change & grow with me?
I trust that somewhere in your life you have met that person that has drawn you in to their company, like an aura that lures you. They are good looking. They are fashionably sensitive. They carry themselves well, but you cant seem to find anything interesting inside. They are inviting but empty. Their rooms are undefined. They could have been a well dressed mannequin in a shop front. They are under developed. They stopped at the outside. (Maybe that's where the "Blond Jokes" come from)...We don't spray paint a car that will never receive an engine. The outward invitation of a vehicle make me look forward to the journey. The interior attention to detail make me want to stay...& do this again soon! I want to lure you in with my "outside"...& take your breath away with my inside.
Relationship Effort - How do you want to be perceived & received?
Aligning your thinking & your methods with your intent.
Do you have 'social Autism'? We all have that 1 friend that has greater difficulty with interacting & connecting with people than you. They can be socially awkward. Maybe YOU are that friend that I describe or you feel quite comfortable in applying yourself but the fruit on your land suggest a lack of success. It is very normal to experience doubt, being unsure if your relationship effort is maximized, If you are presenting the best version of yourself. How do I align my way of thinking with the right way of doing & expressing myself. My thinking is simple...how can expressing myself be so far off? Some people talk all the time...but only in their head, either to themselves or a virtual person. They struggle in audible conversations because they are quiet most of the time. You don't learn how to dance if you never practice dance moves.
Everything can be learnt. I know how to dance in my head. But physically I have no concept of how to dance. My brain doesn't have the first clue how to execute a dance movement, even in slow motion. Yet I am always dancing in my head. It requires an extreme amount of concentration physically. I am slowly learning how to move my limbs in a dance-like movement. Social interaction is the same principle. Slow decided gestures done with confidence. I think of a relationship as a dance between 2 or more people. Somewhere you will find a relation with some one that means something to you. You need to learn how to 'dance'...for this relation to succeed.
I want to give you the best of my attention.
The best of my energy.
The best of my focus.
The best of my sense of humor.
The best of my Patience.
The best of my understanding.
The best version of me that I know. The best effort that I have.
You do not deserve my baggage or issues or frustrations. In music you learn to hide your weaknesses. You work on them alone in a room. You are aware of its architecture. You know how to work around it until your weakness becomes a stable dependable tool in your arsenal. Does this ever end? No...because in Music there is always something you cannot play...
In order to present the best of me, I need the best habits to help me recharge & rest. A habit that help me process, sort through & retain what has value. A relationship is a two way street. It requires room for another idea next to your own. It asks for accommodation. It truly needs good communication skills to breathe & survive. It needs a capacity for more than just yourself. A relation starts by relating...connecting before inevitably disagreeing somewhere... Relationship effort is like juggling 3 melons...being aware of my idea, your idea & our eye on the one we will discover
Social Standing - What is it like being on the receiving end of you?
Planning your conduct that is comfortable to your personality
We all know at least one person that love them self soooooo much that there is no room left inside them for any one else's' love...It has to queue outside the door, if you are dumb enough to give it to them. It is a waste. I appreciate seeing people like that around me. They always serve as a reminder not to go too far. I have learnt to value the people that show the world how things should NOT be done. There is always an asshole that will demonstrate that to the world. When I can see what I DON'T want, it is easier to avoid it because I know what it looks like, & I know what it feels like being on the receiving end of it.
I am obviously not referring to that type of person here. Everything can be taken too far. To find & establish an equilibrium in your life is part of being self aware. There is a way that you treat people. A way that you deal with them, handle them, speak to them, & focus on them. The way you do this, will only result in one of two ways. People will feel safe with you or not. Respect the attention you give them or not. Respect your real-ness or not. Appreciate the understanding you show for them or not. Remember you or not. Will be drawn to you or not. The same strength magnets don't get stronger by sticking together. Some people are weaker than others. They will always be drawn to something stronger than themselves, because it provides support. I takes pressure off their own attempt to stand.
During my school years I very rarely if ever cashed in on the invitations to be part of the group. I am an extreme loner. I knew how to play my role, how to contribute & be busy with myself again. I used to stand up & protect the weaker kids, the more vulnerable ones, the insecure & unsure ones. It gave me great satisfaction to make room for them & made sure no one would bother them. I had no intention of being part of their clan but they would follow me every where. Every time I thought my job was done. I created room for them to be without interference from others, but they would still follow me. Pretty soon even the bullies followed me around. Only in high school did I start to realize, they didn't know where to go. They didn't know what they wanted to be, in a place where so little is defined. I represented something they wanted. A position where their voice would be heard. A way to say Yes or No. With no doubt or fear that their social standing would be influenced. It is often those that couldn't care less about a social standing that hold the highest reverence of men. It is often those that don't want to be king that are chosen. Those that don't want the responsibility but carry it any way & people know it. They feel safe. They need direction. They trust in your competence to guide & give advice. Is that you? Not yet?
People elevate you, not position. Social standing is something you are building whether you are interested in it or not. It is the simple result of who you are. Doing 'some thing' or doing 'nothing' are both equally contributing factors.
Everybody needs advice some time. No man knows everything. What is in you that you carry, that represent something that people ask for?
Every person has the same 24 hours to their disposal to do life. None of us arrived here with a service manual that you can consult if your life is not working the way you want it. Each person is left to their own device to figure out what they want & how to make those desires happen. This simple idea is not easy for every person. I cant know what I want if I don't make time to think. Manage your conduct & activities so you can start thinking. Everybody needs thinking time.
Thanx for listening.